I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
