I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
as a side note pls kill me
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