i was born a porn star she said
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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