awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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