I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
