but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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