There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
