i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
