the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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