just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
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