omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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