Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
