I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
