I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
