$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize