True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
