Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
