What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize
