I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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