No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Do you have feelings for this penis?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
