why didn't you poke me back
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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