your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Randomize
