Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
