My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
