why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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