Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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