I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
