every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
