thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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