She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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