I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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