i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Randomize
