: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
