i think my tv is drunk
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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