I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
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