Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
40s are totally the cure
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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