can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
