Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Less talking, more tequila
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
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