Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
