I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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