1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
