Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
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