Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize