My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I want a musical about memes.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
