my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
