I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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