I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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