So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Randomize
