This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
