Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
