Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
