Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
