I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
