some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
