and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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