Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
