I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
