do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
