I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
