I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Randomize