She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
