3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
