Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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