I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize