He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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