I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
