im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
